August232011

I keep getting a lot of messages.

of people asking my why I don’t post more often.. It’s because I don’t want to force these writings, they are better when they just come to you and you type them out. By forcing it out you will never get the pure feeling into the words.

August172011

in-his-womb said: you are so thoroughly consistent. ok, you'll say "nah, I'm just me". that's precisely the point. I'll be around (got me hooked) - C

4PM

21stcenturyscribe-deactivated20 said: IM concerned your too bloody good (this blog i really like)

11AM

A Letter To A Friend

People never change.
Recently, everything around me lately has been based off of renewal by resurrection of the past. I will always be that little kid who was crying in his room at night, hoping to be cared for in a way his parents never would. Hoping that someday he will love himself in a way no one else ever could. Maybe that is why I can never really see myself with someone wholesomely down the road. I know that in the end I will die alone, as morbid of a statement that sounds, it brings a sense of calm to my mind. It let’s me know that I still need to love the people who help me learn more about myself. They come randomly and singly, just about as random as a child’s is conceived, you will never have any real control, it will just happen when the time comes. All the yelling in the world, all the money, bargaining, rationalizing will make it happen. It just.. does.

Maybe that’s why we have this need to have things under control, because, we never really do. Even repetition is subjective to the random things life throws our way. It’s that very thing that drives most of us. Even those who are left, battered down, thinking that nothing will good will ever come. But it does, it comes in the rising of the sun. Those moments of silence where everything rests. When you feel the most alone is when you feel the most safe.



R_______, when we are in a group, our eyes look at into each other. They linger, but in the most comfortable way possible. Like we are silently accepting the things around us. Having silent conversations that can’t be put into words but yet understandable. It’s those very connections that are so subtle that they are just as simple as a sheet of ice over a lake, stern enough to hold you, but there is movement under it, a movement we can’t see. But know is there, w never stop to think about it but it does pass our thoughts, whether we come to the realization that it is passing.

Maybe it’s the fact that I want to care for you, but not in a way that s love, this is anything but a love letter. There is always something more to say, but we let it fall to the floor and settle, we don’t fight things.. We just sweep it around and place those specs of dust in a different formation. Hoping that it fits for us, if not? we call for another breeze and once again put those specs of dust in motion again, letting them rest again in a new pattern.

I am always afraid to talk to people in this manner, I fear for being shunned away. i never really know how these words come together to another person. But I take that risk in hopes that something deep down clicks where you are able to relate rather than stare in puzzlement. This is my form of love, it’s when I pull back the veil in hopes you don’t turn away, just understand.


Thank you, you’ve made me grow without knowing you were doing it at all.

This another sun-rising letter. People never really change, they just… Learn.

August152011

I come to the decision of how healthy I eat..

By the smell and color of my urine.

August132011

Forecasting.

I knew right at the moment I told my friend I’ll go home with my other friend that I was already setting myself up for massive boredom.
This guy liked me and I knew it. I showed interest, but he was leaving to college, of course it hurt. But I am surprised it did. I am never really interested in the people who like me, adoration from others sickens me in the most uncommon way possible.
He walked up to go to the bathroom, I told his friend to text him telling him to take charge, I knew he would do it. He likes me.
Meanwhile I am texting someone who I have interest in. Shameful i know, but i never said i was perfect. He asks me to take a walk with him. I already knew what was going to happen, I guess I was just doing it mostly for his benefit. i told him we can walk by this par on the other corner on the other side of the block, of course along the way an alley-way goes in-between, a sexual beings best friend when wanting to engage with another body.
He pulls me in and starts making out, fun at first, I am being kept busy, his mouth tasted of pall malls with the a hint of rose tea. Take a drag, kiss me, take a drag, kiss me. Already a gross combo but whatever.. Never had I experienced such a lack of synchronization, everything felt stagnant. Granit it might have been due to my lack of emotion, but that can be over-looked when effort is still being put in. He mixed his body contact with roughness then the pauses where we would be kissing with your necks.
He reached behind and under my boxer briefs to grab onto my sweaty ass-cheek, By that point my mind started to wander. fleeting thoughts such as, “I wonder if it is going to rain tonight” , “Why are you doing this?” , “His upper lips tastes gross.”
I wish I could have had television in my head, something to mute the weird groans coming from the depths of his chest.
He tried fishing for my cock, he was like Hellen Keller trying to find a needle in a haystack.

He pulled away for a breather, a perfect opening.. He beat me too the punch, “Hey do you want to go somewhere quieter?”.. The narrator in my head said “No, I do not feel like seeing your penis.” So I decided to put on the fucked up subtitles, you know, the ones that never match the words, what came out was “I feel bad for _______ she has been up all day, I need to get going anyways as well.”
He buttoned up his shirt, as to why he unbuttoned it to begin with? I don’t know.

Thoughts of a boy.

August112011

Anonymous said: Are you gay?

Yes, but I have been in love with women

7PM

I think I remember seeing a car parked there.

Nothing attracts humans like moths to a light then violence.. In any way, shape or form. It’s like a form of a drug, you see something break out, you can’t help but stare. I have no idea what entices us to see anger being expressed. It’s like watching an animal in it’s cage, you see it’s anger. You are terrified yet amused, you are pulled in.
┬áMaybe it’s the fact that if you don’t know the person it’s easier not to be attached and just be a spectator in this sport. You hear about deaths everyday on the news, but yet we don’t even flinch.

A boy was shot today, All we do is look up from the dinner we are making shake our head and look back down.

The old woman down the street died in her sleep, “Oh, that is so sad, I wish I could have talked to her.”

But if there is a break in two houses down or you even see a few police parked in your neighborhood, people will flood out of their houses, secretly hoping to see something ill-fortune happen.

I think it has to do with us being bored. Like if you were in the area to witness a car-crash or a theft or anything of the sorts, you get an adrenaline rush, even if you were not a witness but asked if you saw anything before. You will try to give as much detail, inf act you might as even go far enough to imagine a few details here and their just to get that feeling of doing something bigger than yourself.

Nothing is more contagious than Evil.

4AM

bayonologues said: You do have interesting thoughts, boy. :)

2AM

Testosterone.

It makes me one of the most shallowest human beings at times, maybe my love is only lust, one can only assume why my love for people is so strong then can be turned towards another in a fleeting moment. Is due to the fact that I have no power over my penis and feelings.

August82011

boywhonever said: im super impressed with your honesty and the realness with which you write. i look forward to reading more from you man.

August72011

Snowglobes.

That’s all I can sum up earth as.. We just spin, day in and day out. Not really questioning the sky above us.. We forget the expanse we see above is untouchable.. Maybe it’s because we keep ourselves so busy to worry our thoughts with anything other than our daily problems. I shouldn’t really care though, I am known to fall victim to it 90% of the time. i guess that’s just it, we created our world within a world so strongly we lose sight of the big picture. Even the weakest of humans carry that superiority complex that has been deeply rooted inside us since humans were able to realize we had a higher intelligence than the other living things around us.

It’s kind of sad though. To see the rut we have ourselves in. The inescapable trap has been sprung so long ago we have forgotten that we were caught. I see nothing all that special about us, we have nothing to really be proud of, we destroy everything around us. With no real remorse. You may think this does not pertain to you, but it does. The simple act of dropping a gum wrapper on the floor is a perfect example. Whether you are looking at it from a corporate business clear-cutting forests, too massive cities of trash hidden in places you will never see. Have you ever really thought where your trash goes, after the garbage man picks it up? I’m sure it was a flash of thought. But nothing that you ever really sat and pondered on. I’m sure your newest obsession brought on by others is what consumes your mind. Or your loved one who is in pain. or your own worries of life decisions.

Please.. do not confuse me as some vegan-activist, I am non of the sorts. I am the person who throws the gum wrapper on the floor… I’m you, maybe that’s why you should pay heed to what I have to say. Cherish every little thing. It’s the biggest advice that will always be told to you in one way or another.. But that advice is the hardest to follow. Your mind gets cluttered.. It forgets. Don’t worry it’s not your fault.. Just like me you have been bred this way.

I will cry over my sisters death, I will cry over my fathers.. But sadly there will be a day when you will not be able to keep them in your thoughts, where they will not enter it for weeks, who knows, even possibly months. Although, you will remember the death of your celebrity, your favorite character on your favorite, show and movie.. They will be revered and gossiped about amongst friends. over coffee, over dinner.. Their deaths you will properly talk out and feel better over. Those will take driver seat next to your most personal problems..

By know you should know how these posts go, no real purpose. I guess it’s for you to decide on what it is that you need to grab from all of this. You see, I get the benefit of typing to my hearts content. You get the opportunity to make something of it.

Thoughts of a Boy.

August42011
August12011

I washed my underwear by hand.

I was too lazy to get together a load of clothes.. But I dried my undies in the dryer.
I like to mix up my time frames.. deal.

1AM

Pitter Patter.

I slapped my foot in the puddle streaming alongside the sidewalk.. Hearing the sloshing and the splashing. It’s kind of like when you are picking at the grass, so focused on such a simple task that your brain goes silent. i love that moment you feel when you realize you haven’t made a single thought since doing it. It’s like being no different than a rock or cement or a candle.. You are just.. There. Performing your task and nothing else. Some people say the ones with no thoughts are idiots. But it has this calming effect, all we ever do is think. Meditation, people still think. A quiet place is an even greater call for your thoughts to come to surface. i want to be able to flip that switch off. just sit in absolute silence.

It needs to rain more in Arizona.

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